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An Open Letter to President Obama: Invade Iran Now!
To: Barack Obama, President, United States of America
From: All Major Defense Contractors, Big Oil Companies, Fundamentalist Christian Loonies, Tea Party Nut Jobs, and the Israeli Lobby
Subject: Urgent Need to Invade Iran NOW to secure this Objectively Important Location
In the face of the recent U.S. military exit from Iraq, as well as the Defense Strategy Review unveiled on 5 Jan 12, it becomes clear that your administration is considering decreasing the obscene amount of taxpayer dollars shoveled into the hungry maw of the U.S. military industrial complex. This is unacceptable to us. The U.S. defense budget must keep climbing logarithmically as it has since the onset of Operation Iraqi Liberation in 2003.
In order to continue to protect both our CEOs' 100 foot yachts and the security of the state of Israel above all else, we insist that you take steps to invade Iran now. We present the following facts to support this urgent request/demand:
Fact: Iran is an Objectively Important Location (OIL). We have yet to see the full profits from the Iraq invasion, primarily because Iran is interfering with our Big OIL activities in southern Iraq. If we had boots on the ground in both Iraq and Iran, we could secure both of these OILs.
Fact: North Korea is a Non-Objectively Important Location (NOOIL). Despite the inarguable fact that North Korea has detonated two nuclear weapons, and even though this communist country is being led by a twenty-something year old slacker who knows more about X-box than nuclear Mutual Assured Destruction theory, two overwhelming arguments exist which should persuade you to continue to ignore the dangers from this unstable nation. First, it is a NOOIL country, also known as a Backwater Dump of Mountains and Rocks Where Starving People Eat Grass Due to a Tyrannical Regime With No Oil Reserves (BDMRSPEGDTTRNOR). Second, it does not pose an existential threat to the state of Israel. So thus, even the possibility that Iran might one day attain weapons of mass destruction (nuclear, chemical, biological, or electric cars with bad batteries) trumps the threat from the current, known, documented nuclear capability of the insane and infantile regime in the Democratic Peoples Republic of Oil-Free North Korea.
Fact: AIPAC told us to invade Iran years ago, and we have failed to do so...yet. It's true: AIPAC has been advocating a U.S attack on Iran to protect Israel since at least 2009! How can we possibly fail to obey the will of the State of Israel? This leads us to our next...
Fact: Jesus says we have to do everything in our power to sacrifice the lives of our American young men and women to protect Israel and bring on Armageddon as soon as possible, or else we will get hosed during the Second Coming of Christ, our Lord and Savior. Even Muslims believe in The Hour of Armageddon...so Let's Bring It On! It's really that simple. Oh, and AIPAC gives big money to Congress critters who toe their narrow, myopic, Israel-centered line, but that's secondary.
Fact: The U.S. House already passed HR 1905: The Iran Threat Reduction Act of 2011, which Rep. Ron Paul and others have noted is a prelude to war with Iran. The Senate needs to get its act together to ensure that no one, including you, the President of the United States, is legally allowed to negotiate with anyone from Iran. After all, studies show that negotiation interferes with pre-emptive bombing.
Fact: Using three U.S. aircraft carrier battle groups to destroy every Iranian ship, yacht, skiff, boat, dinghy, life raft, life preserver, rubber ducky on the water; and every plane, drone, dirigible, kite, paper airplane and Frisbee (R) in the air is NOT enough to make us happy! We need to put BOOTS on the GROUND in order to pump the OIL from said GROUND! Seriously, this is not rocket science, even if most of our rocket industry has reinvented itself into Department of Defense services boondoggle consultants (see: Lockheed-Martin, et al.).
Fact: You can't have an Empire without controlling resources. The Romans needed salt, so they invaded Germania. The Mongols needed women who did not smell of yak, so they invaded Europe. And the People for the New American Century said in 2000 we need to control all of the oil in the Middle East forever to keep it out of the hands of dirty, unchristian ferners (sic) for the Greater Good of Exxon, Amen. We got the poppies and opium in Afghanistan, check. We got the oil in Iraq, check. Where is the checkmark for Iran, huh? Seriously, President Obama, look at the To Do list left by the George W. Bush administration. "Number 1: Bomb them ferners and take that thar oil. Number 2: There is no number 2, except when I eat bad tacos, heh heh."
Mr. President, we need to get on with the program that we, the undersigned Not-So-Secret Masters of U.S. Foreign Policy, have hereby laid down. Thank you, and God Bless Merka and all Merkin citizens everywhar (sic).
Signed,
All Major Defense Contractors (Need more money!)
All U.S. DoD Consultants (Show us the money!)
Big Oil (Invade now so we can drill later!)
The Israeli Lobby (What is good for Israel is always good for the U.S. ALWAYS.)
The Mainstream News Media (War is great for ratings!)
Right Wing Teaparty Fanatics (The Founders and Rush say we need that oil! Kill then Drill, Baby, Drill!)
Fundamentalist Christian Millennialist Nuts (Nuke all the heathens and let God sort them out! Amen.)
